But there’s a big difference between coming out to a conservative family member who’s confused and suspicious of your new identity, like a Victorian butler grappling with the advent of electricity, and someone who actively attends rallies protesting your existence. I’d love for you to throw caution to the wind and tell your family to fix their hearts or die. And somehow you’ve still wound up feeling bad. To a geographical backwater where people only come to film car commercials with mountain ranges in them. Seven thousand, seven hundred and ninety-three miles out of your way. It also sounds like your first experience of coming out was so awful, you’ve gone out of your way not to cause anyone even the smallest possible amount of emotional inconvenience. It sounds like you’ve built yourself a full and happy life here. That hardly makes you the next Tom Ripley (although the circumstances of his parentage also leave a lot to be desired). You are leading a regular life, in which you have to tactically lie to your geographically-estranged mother in order to avoid tripping her meltdown switch. Tim Allen (aka Santa Clause) is leading a double life. Do you have any suggestions on how to help, genuine or otherwise? I have a partner I love a lot over here, some good friends, a job I really like – but I’m racked with guilt from leading essentially a double life. Now it’s 2023 and my family are wondering when this really long OE I’m having will end. I’m 30 and tired coming out as a lesbian in 2009 was hard enough and even after all these years, my sexuality is still treated as something that should remain unspoken. I haven’t told them anything about who I really am because my mum would implode and make my dad and sister’s lives hell. I moved to Aotearoa in 2014, changed my name after a year, got top surgery a few years later and now visit my home country every couple of years, where everyone always tells me I look very thin but weirdly don’t realise I am sans tits. When I say “transphobic,” I mean she has idolised Posie Parker for many years, attended anti-trans rallies, stuff like that. To cut quite a long and harrowing story short, I’m trans and have a deeply transphobic mother. Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to Hera, I haven’t told my family who I am, and I’m tired of living a double life.
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